Saturday, August 26, 2017

Out of Proportion?

When you deal with depression in the form of feeling chronically and helplessly unworthy, you (hopefully) learn to praise yourself for even the smallest of accomplishments, and you eventually train yourself to see them better instead of glossing over them and heading straight for the things still undone.

Today I am keeping my 2 granddaughters, which is in itself a big deal for me because it falls outside what I can deal with by myself for a full day. Today is only partial and didn't require my attention starting at 5 am (their mom got a late start due to issues with Hurricane Harvey), so I'm only just now getting tired and brain fuzzy.

At lunchtime I fixed them chicken, noodles, and broccoli. Like, a real meal. And I sat down and ate with them. When you suffer for hours on end believing you're just not up to par, that's a big win. So while being on my own case for not having done dishes yet, I keep patting myself on the back for that win. And yes, I stopped doing dishes to come post that. But that's part of making the win count...I just want to share it.

If you feel like you're not getting enough done and that that makes you inadequate or unworthy, look for those little wins and celebrate them. Bear witness to your effort however you might think others would "rate" it. Perhaps it's an exaggeration, but so is the punishment of beating yourself up for the things you haven't done. Fair is fair.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Reblog! Vinegar Hill Charlottesville

Coming out: The White Supremacy edition

**please note that the big white block in the middle of this article (and it's rather an ironic thing that it's a big white block....) was originally United D@ughter$ of the Con7eder@cy but without the symbols. Somehow they managed to get themselves censored out of this post. Freedom of the press indeed.

Image of Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe

Image of Statue of Adolf Hitler standing in in Berlin.

Oh wait. It was decimated in 1945. It no longer stands there. And guess what? It wasn't replaced with a shiny new one. I wonder why?

The image on the top stands as the reminder the world needs. And we don't need a statue of Hitler to remember who was responsible or what evils were perpetrated.

I hate applying these same standards to Robert E. Lee, because I'm a southerner and I have held fast to my southern heritage as something to be proud of. I've downplayed any complicity in the fact that many of my ancestors kept slaves because "everyone did." I've researched numerous ancestors who were actually Confederate soldiers, and with that information I was qualified to join the United Daughters of the Confederacy, and even attended one of their meetings. I never finished the paperwork and I marked it down to being too busy, but that wasn't really the truth.

For years I've justified being proud of Confederate ancestors by declaring that they fought for what they believed in, and besides had I been alive at any point during the years of slavery, I would have objected to it just as I presently object to abortion. I've therefore washed my hands clean of something I never really sullied them in to begin with. 'Sall good, right?

But it's not. The reason I never completed the UDC application process was the racism evident at the one meeting I attended, where there was a lot of conversation that included the nearly but not quite whispered words "coloreds" and "Mexicans," as if the "colored and Mexican" waitstaff around the edges of the room couldn't hear. And really, it was irrelevant if they did because they were just The Help. It was if The South was still alive in that room, and I didn't say a GODDAMN WORD against it or even about it. That was 8 or 9 years ago and I didn't even tell my husband about it until last night. So much for asserting I would have been outspoken in the way-back-when.

Well in order to CHANGE we have to speak the truth, confront it, dig it out, and bear witness to it. Let me tell you, it takes the indignation and self-righteousness right out of you. We get so angry when our past is questioned, and usually that's a fast recovery for the pang of fear we feel first. But when you just let the fear come ahead on, and name it, and bear witness to it...."_______ happened," something else happens.

I know. I did it. I'm doing it. I'm saying out loud that my lily-white DNA matches me to many, many Black Americans, well-known ones and not-so. It's not because of "diversity." It's because they and I share ancestors who raped their slaves, and I own that. What's more, I own that I myself have harbored a little white supremacy all along. It's wicked, it's there....and I know it! Now I can begin to change. Now I can begin to change.

Now we have the opportunity to raise monuments that show the whole story and the true story in one place, and how it's shaped us and how we'll use that truth to shape the future, even if they are only in our hearts or on our blogs and Facebook pages.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

It's become so clear that

my views and observations and opinions are not welcome on Facebook. At least by about half the people I know, and in most cases respect. The introduction of an idea outside the dogma of one's political or religious bent is just plan HERESY and is attacked with fervor and I can almost feel the spittle coming from their mouths as the words fly onto the screen.

I was told today that I have "changed", and "not for the better." To my mind, I've not changed but am currently and constantly changing, and I refuse to keep it a secret. My journey is MINE, to document and comment as I see fit, and to draw lines that restrict abusive words and behavior aimed my direction. 

So as the theme of my posts over the last year have been based on the idea of my "coming out" on matters big and small, I've just deleted everything before that and move forward with that idea. I hope to develop a following simply because there are matters that, when put into the arena of civil discourse, can be discussed in ways that benefit everyone who happens across it, especially if they add their own voice. Not their anger, hatred, piety, dogma, or bigotry. Because I will shut that shit down quicker than you can say SHARKNADO!