Thursday, June 21, 2018

A Day on the Floor

This post was written two days ago...I just saw it when getting ready to post a new work. I was feeling so bad I didn't trust myself to be able to live with the shame of this honesty. Yesterday I started feeling my spirits lift slowly out of the pit, and today is a little better than that.  If you suffer depression at any level, work (or wait) your way through to the next part of the cycle. Even if you don't believe it's coming, if you are considering suicide PLEASE CLICK HERE FOR HELP. If you are familiar with the feelings below, realize that I don't feel that way two days later. 

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It could be anything. PMS. Peri-menopausal symptoms. The oppressively hot air outside. The amount of things to do just to be caught up, not to mention get ahead. Also, it's not like there's been a shortage of pain and trauma in my life over the last year. It seems like when necessary I can muster up energy and determination to do anything. And be enthusiastic enough that I believe I'm becoming the person I want to be. The person who can answer yes to every, "Does anybody happen to have any _____?" Safety pins. Aspirin. Bandaids. Super powers.

It lasts enough to feel really good. And then I sink into a pit of stagnant self-loathing, self-pity, and insecurity. I spent a lot of time chastising myself. Like, it's because I drank too much last night (which always means 1 drink above my 2-drink limit) and alcohol is a depressant so I'm just living a well-deserved day of depression and misery. Trouble is, I find other reasons to explain it if I didn't drink last night.

I usually try to work my way back into my good graces, then feel overwhelmed and go back to sleep for (hopefully) a good dream and a reboot. There's also L-theanine, which if I don't feel TOO terrible might help a bit...giving me enough energy to lift my eyes above the quicksand of poo and see a butterfly off in the distance.

Have you ever felt so bad you can't bring yourself to take the cure? Like -- it's right there on top of the fridge, and all you have to do is take it down and chew up two of the minty, TUMS-like tablets and most likely feel at least some relief from the oppressive weight. But you (I) walk right past. Because I can't believe I will ever feel better again and why take a stupid mint-flavored, chewable supplement?

That's today. 

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