Wednesday, November 28, 2012

So here's the deal

I was in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon–a crazy thing in itself. But I was making myself “do the hard thing” so that I could scratch it off my list. I was actually feeling pretty good about myself even though the chaos of HEB on a busy day is very unsettling for me. Then my phone rang, and my husband said something to the effect of, “Someone from the church just called…your youngest has been sending texts to a girl asking her for naked pictures of herself.”

Long story short, that Thursday night he went to live with his father. I spent Friday like I’d spent all the days before it…running down yet another long list of things to get done. Drop off the boy’s ROTC uniform at the dry cleaner’s. Locate birth certificate, shot records, social security card. Pick up uniform, return it and textbooks to the school and withdraw him, go to the post office and express mail all his paperwork to his dad instead of driving to Boerne myself. And I still had to work until midnight. The world might come crashing down on me, but it never stops turning and expecting its lists to get checked off.

Work. Check.
Sleep. Check. (thanks to Lunesta, I can still sleep)
Get up. This one’s hard but I do it. Check.
Do SOMETHING. A load of laundry. Check.
Eat something. Power bar, no cooking involved. Check.
Work. Sleep. Get up.
Like Pink Floyd says, comfortably numb.

That was some weeks ago. Maybe 2 or 3…can’t really say. I may go in and out of phases of sadness. I found some relief in a book I’m reading currently, in which the author wrote, “Bereavement does not have a happy ending.” And it’s so true, that in every cloud we look for the silver lining so that we can say AHA! That’s the answer! Now the ends are tied up and it is going to be OKAY! This doesn’t have a happy ending, not here anyway. So I need to get on with my life and not waste it searching for meaning or that AHA moment to cling to for hope. I do have hope…but I’m not clinging to it like a life raft in a sea of sorrow. I’m ALIVE goddammit. I’m not clinging desperately to jack shit. I AM ALIVE and there is sorrow and there is hope and that’s life. Aha!

I must also say, there is now peace here. When he was here, there was always an undercurrent of mistrust. I KNEW every time he closed that bedroom door he was up to no good. I would walk by it and just feel that there was something bad and dark going on behind that closed door. I saw a movie recently that said, “Our instincts always have our best interest at heart.” Good to remember.
So the dark cave of secrets that was once Daniel’s bedroom has been CLEANED. The loft bed disassembled, ready to be listed on Craigslist and the proceeds to go toward a pickup truck for Jessyca. All video games and accessories are in boxes to go to his dad’s. The only electronic device in the room is a tiny 13″ television. The dirty windows and sills have been cleaned and the room is bright. It is welcoming, but it’s not a place for badness of any sort. It’s a room in my home, and we live in a G-rated house.

Except for the language.
So sue me–I’m not perfect!!

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